Understandably, the sense of relief and achievement was palpable when we neared the final stretch of the sea expedition, a strait crossing*. The air was thick with anticipation and excitement for one, last, mad dash for the finishing point.
As luck would have it, I was assigned to lead the group that day with a fellow course mate, whom I was on good terms with, in another kayak. We knew that the adrenaline-driven, reckless overzealousness would string out the kayaks over a large area, making strait crossings very dangerous. We had agreed from the night before that we would make the extra effort to keep the group in a tight bunch.
Imagine my horror when my co-leader rushed out ahead of the pack, signalled for the group to follow him, and proceeded to string out the expedition group as they tried to follow his pace. This wasn’t in the plan!
Fortunately the team reached the checkpoint safely. Upon catching up, I ranted out at my fellow co-leader loudly, which was witnessed by a few other kayaks. Do note that technically the two of us had hierarchially equal roles that day. Looking back, I feel like I was driven by a combination of a bruised ego, misplaced sense of injustice and frustration. Naturally, the two of us were fuming mad all the way back to home port and we didn’t exchange a single word afterwards, ending the sea expedition on a very bitter note.
After the damage was done, what could I do to salvage the situation and the friendship? How could I have handled the original incident better?
Thank you for reading!
*In nautical terms, a strait is a designated sea expressway. Heavy cargo ships travel very quickly along straits and take very long to make an emergency stop. Small boats trying to cross a strait must move fast or risk becoming sitting ducks.
Hi Han.
ReplyDeleteIt has been a pleasure to read your post and I can relate to how you feel. I had been in situations in the past where I was required to work with another group leader over a project. Indeed, the roles of each leader were similar and one person in this situation has to be a follower. Especially, in a dangerous situation like yours, its best to appoint one leader and the other to be the assistant leader. What's done is done, so the best thing for you to do now is to talk to your friend and discuss what went wrong that day. Constructive criticism for your friend will be helpful for him to be a better leader for the next expedition. At the same time, put the past behind and tell him that you would like to work with him for the next expedition. Hope this method works out for you and your friend.
Min Thu
Hi Han,
ReplyDeleteLike what Min Thu has mentioned, it is a pleasure to read your post. You managed to describe the situation at expedition so vividly. As for the conflict between you and the co-leader, i think both of you were at fault. The co-leader did not go according to plan nor discuss with you but instead he led the team in a dangerous manner. On the other hand, blasting at him was a mistake on your part too. However, to salvage the situation, i think it will be good if you guys as leaders can conduct a debrief after the event, analyse what went well and what went wrong. You should point out to him the risk that he brought to the team. As the same time, you may want to apologise to him for ranting at him and explain to him your concerns at that moment. Taking into consideration the fatigue in you guys after the 18days course, making wrong decision and having bad temper are inevitable. Hope you guys have a good debrief and get back to the positive relationship as before.
Yong Sheng
Hello Han,
ReplyDeleteIt takes two hands to clap and I agree with Yong Sheng that both you and your friend were at fault in that situation. I do not understand why he suddenly wanted to be the hero and take things under his hands, disregarding you as the co-leader, but this is already a sign of distrust of him to you. Since the expedition is over and you both have rested and recovered from the gruelling 18 days of intense activities, this would be a great time to ask him out and question his course of actions that day.
Start off by apologising for ranting at him that day and explain how betrayed you felt about his actions. Reassure him that you are not blaming him for everything but rather, trying to salvage your friendship with him by understanding why he did that that day. I believe if you were to approach him with empathy, he will to feel your sincerity. After all, trust between one another is what keeps friendship strong.
Hi Han,
ReplyDeleteYou are such a formidable writer and I share the sentiments of Min Thu and Yongsheng regarding your post.
Being in a high-strung emotional state often leads people to lose control of their emotion and temper often escalate quickly. It is amazing that the exchange between you two do not lead to any physical encounters. I can only advise that you need to develop your emotional skills which are part of interpersonal skills. Being able to control your emotion well will prevent such altercation to occur in the future. This is a very difficult thing to do considering anger is often a very reactionary emotion and something that is born of habit. Anger often flares up suddenly before we are conscious of it. One advice often heard is to be develop one's self-awareness.
Your first question is probably easier to answer than the second one. I agree with Shiying that you should start by apologizing. Tell him that you were under a very strong emotional pressure then and thus lost your cool. However ensure that your explanation does not appear to be evasive move to explain away your outburst. Reassure him that if you were in his position, you might have made similar mistake and thus he is not fully to blame for his action. If he is a true friend, I believe he will accept your apologize and perhaps also ask for forgiveness for his mistake. I hope this will help.
Regards,
Eric Linardy
Thanks for sharing this conflict scenario, Han. You do an excellent job explaining the context and the tough mission. You also clearly and concisely elaborate on the specific conflict. Finally, you provide relevant questions (though two, not one per the instructions).
ReplyDeleteJust as importantly, I appreciate the useful feedback you've received. Very fine job!